Stage Fright

As I recollect my child hood, I was a very outgoing child. Always eager to do new things, perform on stage(be it skit,dance,singing,orating or anything that a child can do in school). I always felt I m the best and can do anything.


But I don't remember while growing up, how and when I developed stage fright. Now I am even frightened to get up and say a few words in front of a group of 15-20 people. My legs start trembling, my voice gets choking. And situation is getting really bad. Today,during a session I was terrified that trainer shouldn't call my name during role play session. I need to get rid off this fear of mine. I know Only I can help myself and need to face people to get rid off this.



But I am wondering whether I have developed some kind of inferiority complex and why?

Nice outing plan dropped at last moment!!!!!!!!! I'm nt liking it.....bt it's gonna be a relaxing day now................something positive here too :)

Like every thursday, I Visited Sai Baba temple yesterday and suddenly this thought crossed my mind.

What is religion. And for what purpose Sai Baba, Guru Nanak Ji arise and created their own cults/religions? As per my knowledge these leaders, Gurus wanted to help poor people. They wanted every person to get their due, help the downtrodden and create a society where there is no discrimination, where everyone have equal rights and religion(temples or any other places of worship) is not the property of some special caste or in hands of some rich people.

But in today's world are we following their teachings? We just go to temples/gurduwars, pay some 100 something bucks, buy some garlands, buy some prasad, may be some clothes for gods, offer it to our gods and just get away. We are doing the same things against which these leaders have stood .

What do we get by offering some 100 Rs prasad/garlands to god. Do they get happy with such materialistic things? Will not spending the same amount on some needy or poor person make our gods more happy??

I read it somewhere :

Every Moment,
Every Situation,
Every Issue
&
Every Concern has a Positive Side.

And today I can't differ from this statement a bit. A negative situation can really bring something positive to your life. I have experienced this in past two days :)

Though I am feeling sorry for my friend. Get well soon dear!!!

Deep inside,loads of negative energy is building up. Since the day I began to think, I have always thought and believed that I am a lucky person and have always been happy about the fact. But now in past few months, I have started feeling that this happy and lucky thing is an illusion for me. This has been an execuse to keep myself happy. I had never expected anything from anyone or from life. I had always worked for things and whenever I got that thing done, I used to thank God and feel lucky.

But now I feel I have been one left out person. Whatever I wish for, never comes easy. I have to work, wait...wait and wait for it. But other people get those things quite easily in their lives for what I have to wait so long.so what is this being lucky all about????

No Dreams!!!!

I have new hopes...bt no dreams this time......coz i m so terrified of my dreamy thoughts crashing down that I don't want to dream.I need courage to dream.............i knw i should not stop dreaming because some of the dreams didn't come true bt I can't help myself.I was not passionate about anything earlier now I have stopped dreaming too.........what am I going to do in my life??

One more friend lost..............one more........i dnt knw ...i don't have a word for this feeling.....May be ppl just move on in their lives n i should also do so instead of sulking!!

Or may be I'm just thinking too much!!!

no specific topic....no thoughts actually...sitting idle....so thoght of writing something...bt as i said...no thoughts...mind is blank right now....sometimes it's good to have a blank mind...at least u dnt feel bad or get worried about some random things which are beyond your control

Some people are just incorrigible..No matter how much you ignore them, they again n always poke their nose in other ppl's matters n right now I'm having problem with two such people....i need to vent out my frustration...

Are these ppl really stupid enough to not understand what the person in front of them thinks about them...or they simply don't have any self respect....

I wonder do I at some point of time behave in this manner too...i hope no...

What if someone thinks about me in the same way i feel about these ppl....

I read this somewhere and also watched a video of it's writer reciting it ...Simply love it :)

कोई दीवाना कहता है कोई पागल समझता है

मगर धरती की बेचैनी को बस बादल समझता है

मै तुझसे दूर कैसा हू तू मुझसे दूर कैसी है

ये मेरा दिल समझता है या तेरा दिल समझता है

मोहबत्त एक अहसासों की पावन सी कहानी है

कभी कबीरा दीवाना था कभी मीरा दीवानी है

यहाँ सब लोग कहते है मेरी आँखों में आसूं है

जो तू समझे तो मोती है जो ना समझे तो पानी है

मै जब भी तेज़ चलता हू नज़ारे छूट जाते है

कोई जब रूप गढ़ता हू तो सांचे टूट जाते है

मै रोता हू तो आकर लोग कन्धा थपथपाते है

मै हँसता हू तो अक्सर लोग मुझसे रूठ जाते है

समंदर पीर का अन्दर लेकिन रो नहीं सकता

ये आसूं प्यार का मोती इसको खो नहीं सकता

मेरी चाहत को दुल्हन तू बना लेना

मगर सुन लेजो मेरा हो नहीं पाया वो तेरा हो नहीं सकता

भ्रमर कोई कुम्दनी पर मचल बैठा तो हंगामा

हमारे दिल कोई ख्वाब पल बैठा तो हंगामा

अभी तक डूब कर सुनते थे सब किस्सा मोह्बत्त का

मै किस्से को हक्कीकत में बदल बैठा तो हंगामा.............

June is also coming to an end.......I hope along with it end all my problems and unbearable heat wave in north....And yes...it's raining outside which made me right this blog.

I have learnt many lessons last few days which I would at least try to (or rather love to) apply in my life...there is nthing new which I have learnt but some old lessons revised :)

If you want something to happen, don't just wait....Act and make it happen.

If you are in a cheerful mood, only good things will happen to make you more cheerful. And if you think nthing good is happening and just keep on sulking, everything goes wrong.

Don't look for reasons to cry...instead hunt for every small thing to be happy about.

And here ends fifth month of this year!!!

It seems this year started just now...n suddenly five months have already gone by!!! Nthing much exciting so far but I'm happy that I have started few new things this year....this blog, a dance class and regular Gym(No results so far...bt I'm highly motivated)

I love U

"I love U". How often do we hear this world...In every movie( be it hollywood or bollywood), In every other reality or TV show and now a days quite frequently in our own lives.Do we actually know what these words mean. These are used now a days more leisurely and frequently than "Thank U" or "Sorry". But do people actually realize what can these three words mean to a person.

I guess some people(not all) just hunt for love, they keep saying "I love U" to anyone that meets their fancy to some extent...after some days they realize their decision is not right and "I love U" changes to some XYZ feelings and their search for another candidate for their beloved "I love U" starts all over again.

When U say "I love U" to a person, u normally expect the other person to reciprocate with same feeling but if the feeling or response is not same from the other end, does the meaning or feeling of ur "I love U" fade?

I have experienced and heard time and again...one person says "I love U" and the other person(most of the time girl) goes :"See I love U but as a friend...I have never seen you as the special one in my life" and they decide that they will always be friends with mutual agreement...Can they ever(forget always) be friends now onwards?? Can the first person control his/her feelings to keep them always in a friendly mode and not think of "lovey dovey" things? even if you try to control, that "love" feeling has the potential to pop up suddenly without any warning and make you think or act in a manner which you very well know is an illusion.

And what if two people who are in love or "think so" move apart because of some reason and go on with their live.Years pass and u see that person, U feel something..U skip a heartbeat or two....does that mean u have not actually moved on? Still in some corner of heart that love lingers???

P.S. I read this post two hours after posting and it seems too incoherent. But I am not able to link and coordinate the thoughts...so let it be

Attended marriage of one of my best friends this weekend. It was one of the most important days in his life. We had a good time,shared his happiness and wished him a very happy life ahead but there is one strange feeling.
Deep down the heart there is a sinking feeling that I have lost my friend. One friend who was just a single call away at any time, to share my joys or give advice whenever I needed or console me and cheer me up whenever I was down......... seems to be quite far now. I'll have to think twice or may be more before giving him a call... Is this time of the day ok? will his wife be comfortable with our group or he'll be seen only in friendly dinners.....

when you are single and have a good set of friends,you are at top of the world. Nothing seems to make you happy more than just being with friends and sharing all your joys n sorrows....then one fine day you marry one person of your parent's or your choice(if you are lucky) and your life changes completely. Priorties change and your life revolves around your life partener. Suddenly one person is much more important than all your friends. And this happens with one and all.

I don't know why I am thinking so much about it. May be I am feeling insecure that all my friends are going to be married soon and I'll be left alone. I hope I am lucky enough to find my life partener soon who becomes my best friend so that I come out of my insecurity and my friend is lucky enough to find his bestest friend in his wife.wish u a very happy married life Dost!!!!

Lies - A vicious Cycle

"You only lie when you're afraid" - I read this quote somewhere..so true it is . I completely agree....you may lie because of different reasons....to make the things easy, to make someone happy or to gain some benefits from some person but the underlying truth is that you lie because you are afraid that your truth will annoy the person in front of you. You lie and get caught in a cycle. There is always a fear "what if my lie is caught?'

The mere mention of that topic makes you red and there is a feeling '' I'm caught now...now"..and then you tell more lies to hide the first one and the cycle continues

Life is getting monotonous day by day....I need something new, something challenging in life. It is going to be 5 years in IT this June.....I seem to be doing good. But how long will I be able to sustain in this world.

muhabbat mein nahiin hai farq jine aur marne kaa

usii ko dekh kar jiite hain jis kaafir pe dam nikale

Again one news and i have started building the castle again knwing well that it will come crashing down soon :)

sometimes u just get a small ray of hope and then build a whole castle around it and then that ray of hope is surrounded by clouds and castle comes crashing down and with it goes all the positive energy which u hae got from that single ray.
I hope that clouds will just go away tomm and my castle will be reality and not dream!!!!

Friends

I visited shradh's blog today and got this idea of writing about my friends and friendship. I have been quite lucky in the sense that I make friends quite easily or say God has always placed me among good people with whom I can connect .

But I don't have any childhood friends. Maybe because i spent childhood in a village where everyone used to envy me coz i always topped the class( andhon mein kana raja :) ) or maybe i had better access to facilities n all.School time went like that. not in touch with any of my school mates.

Actually got to understand this beautiful term ''Friendship'' quite late.....during college days...had instant special connection with these three wonderful girls and four years in hostel just flew away.

After leaving college I had never thought I'll find (good, best, just) friends in abundance..During Satyam days...be it my PG or ELTP batch or CIGNA ODC(and our beloved paigah...which will always hold a special place in my heart) i have met so many wonderful ppl,had so many wonderful moments that I jst remember the good old days and forget all the bad days if ever I had

Everything ....searching homes,paying bills, 7 girls and sometime more managing to get ready at time using a single washroom, sunday maggi sessions, midnight laghter dauras, bitching, cribbing, visits to centrals, shopper's stop, sindhi colony, food world, cooking n washing utensils....n list will just go on....was so much fun....thinking of all those things brings a smile on my face...n this is possible just because of my wonderful friends..

CIGNA ODC too gave me some of my best friends :)

While moving out of hyderabad I thought..Now that I am grown up n have loads of frnds..it will be difficult to make new friends n any best friend....bt fortunately I was totally wrong... My new company and this new place (Noida which i didn't like initially) gave me equally amazing friendships. I met this group where each one cares for the other and always have a rocking time...be it gup sessions at shipra, going for adventure trips, just lazing around AC in summers, TAKE tea's, baddy days, then walking sessions, indoor games...each one is a moment to chersih for life time....I had my share of bad days too....bt there were always my frnds to support me.....Even if they are nt around...they are just a call away...

And then there are ppl in office too which I would love to call my friends(very good indeed) and not just colleagues to give me company in every laugh and hear my cribbing too....

Though u move ahead in life....contacts with old friends cut off...u make new friends and life just goes on...but those special moments are there safe in one corner of heart.....and I am lucky to have lots of those moments :)

Was off to home for a couple of days and then busy in office too..
and realized one thing which i know very well and have applied all these years to my life but I seem to have forgotten for quite sometime now..

I have got just one life and I will live it fully...always thanking God for what all I have got.
You are as lucky as happy you are!!!!

shopping

shopping is the favourite past time of any girl.....as we shop more, we feel the need to shop more as all the things in closet seem to be obsolete regardless of you have used them or not...every time u open the wardrobe, clothes tend to fall off but every morning the same 'aaj kya pehne?' question pops up and you don't find good clothes for that day

i was just wondering how would our life be if we can shop anything and everything...

I have this strange problem.....sometimes i just get irritated by some people and then this irritation just keeps on building more and more...

Then every small or big, good or bad habit of that person starts irritating me...and i can't control this irriatation......and situation just becomes out of control...

I realize that problem is not with other person but with me...But I can't help it...

BTW...I'm looking for a good word to describe this problem....so I'm leaving the subject line blank

Mission Life

Yesterday while coming back from home, I was thinking serious stuff....what is my mission? Till date I have not been able to identify the agenda, the dream of my life....the one thing for which I'll do everything.

Off late I have been keeping may decision pending...whenever I think about taking one decision...I just come back to one point...

Whenever I think

do an MBA....there is this thought.....i'll keep it pending till i get married...then we ll take a decision

Buy a Car - what for?? I live so close to my house...akele jaana bhi kahan hai...postpone it till i find someone in life

Buy a house - oh i don't knw which city I am going to settle down after marriage..so postpone it

So everything rounds up to one single decision......Is that the only happening thing left in life....What am I waiting for...one person who ll take decisions for me...

Deep inside...I know this approach is totally wrong....I should be doing whatever I want to do and don't wait for some prince charming on a white horse(I don't mean it literally)...

This was written in MARCH/FEB and I m posting it in November and my position is still the same

No subject

Past two days have been kind of bad at work...wanting to react to a situation but not doing so in the anticipation that it's not going to help at all.....same old problem with me...just crying alone or cribbing in front of friends but not doing anything

Where will this approach take me? Am I being passive about what all is happening in life? or is this a thing which I should not be giving much importance to..

There was also a depression day during this week but becuase of entirely different reason..

Change

They say 'Change is the only constant thing in life'

But it has been a long time since I have been seeking for some change.

Year 2008 was very monotonous....Come to office daily, go back..have food and sleep....This is not the kind of life I want..

Here goes my wish list :-

I want to try new things

Visit new places(India and abroad)

Meet interesting people

Be involved in some groups which do something good for society

Invent something(Kind of unrealistic goal right now) for which I'll be remembered forever

Learn some form of dancing ( I can dance freestyle but a specific form)

Have a Slim body( when I don't have to think twice before eating)

Learn a Musical Instrument

Get rid of all the inhibitions which I have

Be a good speaker

Be passionate(rememeber my last post ;) )

Passion

Passion-

Dictionary meaning of this word is:

' feeling very strongly about a subject or person, usually referring to feelings of intense desire and attraction, be very passionate about something '

And people say if you want something you should be really passionate about it.
'Itni shiddat se tumhe paane ki chahat ki hai
ki har zarre ne tumse milane ki saazish ki hai'

But I am not passionate about anything. There are things or people in my life which I love a lot. Or there are things which make me feel happy but there is nothing in my life(any hobby or any person(except my family)) for which I'll go out of my way

There is nothing wrong in this but still at some times I feel am I dead or what...Why don't I feel very strong about anything....Am I alive?...I am not very vocal about feelings..... I don't get mad at wrong happenings.kind of adjust to any situation......Don't get angry with people(and even if I get, I tend to forget that very soon)

I don't want to be calm always...taking things on me everytime....or agree with ppl all the time(even when not agreeing..just pretend to have agreed)....i just want to give strong reactions sometime, do some mad things....



BTW....there were lots of I's in this post ;)

Image Shattering

Tried something new again--it's green tea...i liked it :) or at least i'll pretend that I like it... ;)

Anyway this post is not about my green tea experience

It's about image shattering....the other day I was watching this episode of HIMYM....where ppl ignore the irritating habits of others till the point someone points that habbit....n the same habit which was ignorable or cute a moment ago seems the central point of other person's exsistance....no matter how much you try to ignore...u tend to see that habbit only....

Same has happened with me a lot many times. There is this frnd of mine A who has a habbit of making me read her poems (that was acceptable till some time ago....bt now it irritates me as I'm in middle of something and forced to read and comment on that poem.....I was ok with all this till one of my frnd B told me that he is being troubled by A at any point of time...since then I also feel the same way)......though at times I feel bad for A that she is trusting and seeking my opinion and I'm behaving in an irrational Manner

Hope

''Kyon darein zindagi ki kya hoga ,kuch na hoga to tajurba hoga''

this one is from a frnd of mine....good read and good way to console someone who u knw have more chances of losing something

Bt can we apply that in our lives??

because whenever you embark on a new mission, try anything new you hope to complete that...and that hope of achieving something is what is motivating you to put your best foot forward and keep trying ...

IF WE KNW we are anywaying going to lose , can we jst keep trying the thing jst for the sake of experience...I won't

Experience is what matters when you acieve something...if you win....you knw why u have won , what right things you have done...ppl want to know the experince of the winner...not of the loser....AND when you are doing something , you don't do it for experience.....

life- from a confused mind

Life is a game which is on from the moment u know
Rules of this game are decided by society u live in and the paricipants of this game keep changing. the only constant player is you. You wish you could change the rules of this game or the players according to your convenience but that's not allowed....

Sometimes you wish you can play this game with same set of players....bt then their own game intends to take them to some new field and you are left with new players....and this continues...

you keep losing and winning the game at the same time

You think U have lost the game and the very next moment you realize that it's not the loss but the start of a new twist in the game.

And the moment u think you have won the game...chances are u'll realize that there is lot more left in the game.

And you can't quit the game at your own convenience...U have to keep playing till an unseen force take charge of the game

Life is a joke..keep laughing at it or it will try to make u cry. :)...this was told to me by a dear friend..

Life is a dream....
Life is a journey which you have to go thru u wish or not..
Life is a whiteboard which you fill with different colors

Life is a Garden which has its seasons of bloom and automn and new plants grow in this garden every season, fill it with so many flowers and fragrances....these flowers are nt there forever but the frangrance they bring with them lingers on and on........
Life is a movie but you can't edit the scenes from this movie
Life is a book where each chapter is a whole book in itself
Life is a collage of countless memories
Life is a poem by an unknown poet who is trying to have friendship with words
Life is a sequence of 5+2 days......u wait for 5 days to get over for those 2 days and then those 2 days jst fly off and the same cycle continues
Life is a phone conversation where u r trying to ..............



Rest in the next post!!

Thinking for quite a long time of trying something new, giving a new direction to my life.............can't think of anything interesting.....which will make me happy...so here i'm trying something for the first time....writing a blog which I know is not my cup of tea as I dnt think I can express my feelings well in words( I can express thru tears only :) ...that's a diff story) and i'm too shy about expressing my feelings in public......................bt still here I'm trying my hand at it...dnt knw whether i'll be regular or what I would like to write about..But I have made the start :)